The Red Bulls

CONTINGENCY OPERATING BASE BASRA, Iraq – It’s no secret I’m a smoker, but I’m not a slob. The last time I threw a cigarette butt on the ground was about a year ago, and it was an accident. I was tapping the ashes out the window of my truck when the cigarette blew out of my hand, just as I passed a cop.

The officer could see my truck’s ashtray was well used. I even explained to him throwing freshly lit cigarettes out was not in my nature but the law is the law. The result was a $200 littering fine.

Maybe it’s because I was taught to take noise, light and litter discipline very seriously, but it never ceases to amaze me when I see the ground littered with butts. What’s even more flustering for me is there’s usually a butt can, ashtray, trash can or dumpster within a few feet of the mess. Seriously, exactly how lazy can a person be?

Now, I’ve been trained never to air a complaint without a solution. In this case there are several phases in my wily plan to rid Camp Basra of this particular type of litter. The first is the most obvious; if you’re a noncommissioned officer who throws butts on the ground, knock it off. If you catch someone else throwing butts or anything else on the ground, light them up.

Phase two is to pick up butts when you see them. It’s very simple; when you’ve finished your cigarette look around. If there are butts on the ground pick a few of them up. You’re heading to a trash can or ashtray anyway, right? You don’t have to pick up every butt in sight, just grab a few. If every smoker would do this Basra would be butt free in a week.

I know, even some smokers are sensitive about picking up other peoples butts. Seriously though, there probably isn’t a man on this post who wouldn’t like to lay a big ol’ kiss on a beautiful woman. It could be your wife, your girlfriend or maybe a certain adorable little redhead who apparently has no idea just how cute and charming I really am.

If you’re that hung up about germs carry one of the 50 thousand bottles of hand sanitizer floating around here in your pocket. If you’re a real baby I’m sure the medics could spare a few latex gloves if it would mean not having to look at butts everywhere.

The bus stops seem to be the worst places on post for this type of offense, so let’s start there; and yes I will lead by example. By the way, never throw a lit cigarette in a dumpster. Even if you think you’ve crushed it to death it’s probably still lit. If you want to see how to put a cigarette out instantly and with one hand just look for me at the turtle pond. I’ll be glad to show you.

If I had it my way, the next time I saw someone throw a lit cigarette on the ground I would pick it up and slip it in their pocket while it’s still lit. Maybe we should try it the other way first, don’t you think?